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The pain of living

Thursday, Jun. 16, 2016

2:55 p.m.

I've finally settled down enough to keep the panic at bay. This last week has been horrible mood wise. The desire to escape the pain has been extremely high, with only my own willpower keeping me from harm. At one point, I was debating on whether I had to tell the spousal unit to keep me within sight, but I figured it hadn't gotten that far yet. I did hide the scissors though which had been sitting on the bathroom sink for the last two weeks. This is probably the closest I've come to hurting myself. I just want the pain of living to go away. That freedom seems so welcoming and soothing. I am just too damn responsible to go there. I long to be able to not feel anymore, to be numb and uncaring, to not be in so much mental and emotional pain. It hurts to feel and it becomes overwhelming and I just want to escape.

I feel like I am on the edge of just saying, fuck it, and giving up. Making it to work each day has been a monumental challenge. I've barely been able to do any real work, though I have met all my deadlines so far. I don't know how. At any moment, I just want to give up, do nothing, get fired, whatever, I don't care. The same goes for school. I keep putting off assignments until the last minute (literally the last minute at 11:59), and have to fight myself to actually finish the paper. Both work and school feel like some huge insurmountable task that I am not able to complete because it is too intimidating, scary, and unknown.

I don't even know what selfcare means anymore. It all seems like escape and avoidance to me. Eat crap food, watch dramas, read, and distract the mind from the anxiety. While it makes me feel better in that moment, it's not helping me solve the situation. I really don't know how I've kept it together this week. The only relief I have found is food and drama. I watched Inside Out with the spousal unit this week. I cried through most of it. The idea that Joy could be forgotten hit home a little too hard. Also the happy memories that evoked sad feelings just because Sadness touched them.

I am tired of dealing with doctors and medication. I don't know how to take care of myself and be an advocate for myself with my doctors. I don't know how to fight and insist that they fix me. I'm too intimidated and scared to have real conversations and create actual treatment plans. I am in physical pain too, but I can't be bothered to make it better. I just take whatever medicine they give me and just exist. I don't know how to interact with them and I never bug them even if they were supposed to follow up on something.

I want somebody else to run my life right now because I can't do it.

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Last Five Entries

Thursday, Jun. 16, 2016 - The pain of living

Wednesday, May. 18, 2016 - A history of bad acts

Tuesday, May. 17, 2016 - I want a kitten

Wednesday, May. 04, 2016 - Sniffing Lavender

Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2016 - No more warm and fuzzies?

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