Mom update

Monday, Jan. 05, 2009

11:08 p.m.

Oh, it's that bad. We went to pick mom up, and she was in the conference room with her boss (a nurse) and another lady she worked with who is a social worker. Mom truly honestly thinks that "checking out" is the best thing for her. She was going to wait for awhile, get a few things done first, but she had plans.

So, with the advice of the ladies at her work, we took her to the emergency room, and they admitted her. I was tearing up at the things she was telling the counselor in the ER. She flat out said that she didn't want to be here, and she didn't want to be alive. Before, at her work, she was totally surprised that we didn't know that she was planning on not living long. She was like, "Didn't I tell you? I already talked about it with Brandon, and he understood. I thought you would understand too." No, Mom, I don't. Her words to the couselor at the hospital were pretty much the same. That Brandon thought her idea was reasonable, and I didn't. I'm turning into the bad guy here.

Apparently, according to the ladies, she was already trying to say goodbye to people, and had a timeline (probably April). It was only the method that she couldn't decide on. She told the counselor that she was hoping she'd get sick and die that way, so she wouldn't have to worry about the religious guilt of suicide. I had to step away at that point.

I felt so horrible leaving her at the hospital, where they gave her food to eat but only a spoon to eat it with, and they locked up ALL of her possessions, and there'd be a lady watching her all the time. When we go to see her, we can't bring ANYTHING into the ward. She won't have a phone, other than a communal pay phone. I felt like I was abandoning her there, and it was awful. But I hope they keep her for a few days and that she's completely honest, and that she takes in all that they are saying.

I can't believe that she'd think that we wouldn't mind if she died. That we'd accept it. She's only 57, she has a ton of life left to live. And she's free to do whatever she wants.

And yet, I feel guilty for trying to make her see my point of view, trying to make her want to live, trying to make her do something that she doesn't want. I understand that if she really wants to be dead, that she'd be happier that way, then we should let her. But I can't see that being what she really wants. I feel horrible for taking her to the hospital. I feel horrible for making her live through the pain she is in. But suicidal thoughts, at least for me, have always been in the depths of depression, and have gone away when I was feeling better. I know she's in pain, and it's natural and expected that she'd feel loss and lost. But she thinks its normal to die soon after the spouse. Which it is, sure, when you're 80 or 90 something and in ill health.

I hope she forgives us for trying. I hope she finds a will to live.

Comments? (1 comments)

PMS Tracker: light bleeding
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Comments:
Erianne - 2009-01-06 08:53:18
There's nothing I can say that will help or even make much sense to you, so I'll just say that I'm sending you positive energy and thinking about you.
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