Depression

Wednesday, Oct. 07, 2009

10:24 a.m.

I can usually tell when I’m having a rough time with life, because I don’t update. I guess I just get so stewed into self pity and depression that writing just seems like a huge effort. So, yeah. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown or something. I just cannot get with life lately. Everything is a chore, nothing is fun, I just want to sleep all the time. I have no energy. It’s pretty grim at the moment for me. I do have that doctor’s appointment at the end of the month. I may ask about upping the dose on my happy pills. I don’t want to, but I may need to, I guess, until stress settles down a bit.

Good news is we are free of our horrible boss. He “resigned” while the rest of us were conveniently called to a meeting in another building. He “resigned” but he is still getting an extra month of pay. Upon “resignation” he left the building immediately. I’m actually really happy that he is gone. He was terrible to work for, and is probably a big factor in my unhappy state. Now that he is gone, maybe it’ll be easier for me to get a handle on everything at work and stay caught up and organized. Maybe.

I just feel like giving up sometimes. Just letting myself sink into depression again. I’ve even had thoughts of just dying again. Not that I’d ever do that, but sometimes it seems so welcoming. Then I get the whole I don’t want to die thing. I think about the fact that I’m already thirty, and I haven’t done anything special with my life, and I get even more depressed. There’s so many things that I want to do, but I haven’t. And at times like this, I just can’t do them. I’m too paralyzed with self pity, etc, to even make an attempt.

Which is the point that I’m at right now. I work, when I can. I go to school, when I can. I do homework, when I can. If we’re lucky, I can help Ed out with taking care of the house. I did clean the bathroom this weekend. Well all except the toilet and floor, but that was good. Yesterday I called out sick and slept all day. And I mean, ALL day. I ran out of the birth control medicine, and so my period decided to do the whole bleed out now thing, chunks and all, plus I had a headache, plus I’m still seeing funny from the new glasses. I’m just a mess this week. I just a mess all the time lately.

I’ll get through this. Not sure how yet, but it’ll get better. And Ed’s been fairly understanding the last year or so. And I’ve tried to explain it, and to tell him when I’m doing badly, and when I can’t cope. We’re talking about taking a semester off of school to concentrate on getting the house together so it’s not so unhappy right now. As long as Ed takes it off too, I will. It’ll be no good for me to take off when he’s not around anyway.

Crap, all the fucking work I did to get some people paid, and they didn’t even pick up their checks. So now they’re stuck until late next week before they’re paid. Sucks for them. I did the work, they apparently didn’t want it.

Okay, I really do need to get work done, but I’ve tried a few times and I just can’t get it going. It’s all such a mess. I have a deadline today. I need to get people paid! Okay, I just need to pull out the things that absolutely have to be done and do them. Get them signed, get them to HR by 4:00. I can do this. I can do this.

I CAN do this.

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PMS Tracker: Two days off of the pill, heavy heavy bleeding yesterday, not sure about today
What I am Reading: Listening to Terminal Freeze, Lincoln Child I think. Can't wait until the blood and gore starts.
Guild Wars Stuff: Sorority life, Sims 3 (my elder couple just kicked the bucket this weekend)

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